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Bandra Bruh

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By Biswaroop Carr

Whether it’s an old lady’s unfulfilled Mannat or a security guard of the Galaxy, Bandra has always been versatile.

The ‘15 Rupay ka ek lights’ vaala sits on the cylindrical Shiv Ling shaped barricade of Bandstand, scraping off the last strand of Chicken stuck between his teeth.
A close spectator is the regular, fair, double-chinned, chicken legged man whose surname ends with some ‘aani’. My evening walk starts and ends at either of the two Banglas. Calf muscles work less, what works more is the grey and white trying to figure out which sea facing apartment belongs to which celebrity and if he/she goes to the Gold’s Gym. Muscles remind me of the callisthenic setup at the promenade, where you get to see some serious motivation. Adoring the sea-facing bungalows, I day dream to stand at the balcony with my right feet resting against my left knee while I slowly sip my On The Rocks. But What’s actually happening On The Rocks? –the amount of effort spectators put in to realize that, and that too at low light vision, is incredible. Under umbrellas, beneath translucent tippets and some between twigs and leaves – they create a perfect sea-sight by the sea side. There you get to see some commandos with cameras, You too youtubers?

The Shalimar of the common Janata is the place that brews everything except pubic hair oil, public hair oil I mean. There is a thin line between Shalimar and Janata, and that thin line looks like a coil. Patience test boys. I really want to speak to that bald person whom I see every day outside Janata, drowned in deep thoughts and a thick cloud of smoke.

I too hate the traffic signal at Lemon leaf (now CCD). I actually countdown from 150 to 1, sorry 4, as I impersonate a spastic gorilla to avoid the third gender.

There are so many satgurus around, I wonder if Bandra used to be home to the nirmals and ramdevs – Bandra ki yeh leela hai.

I don’t like the chairs inside Wok Express and the Wok way of processing orders – Your contact number sir? Veg or non-veg?, Choice of sauce?, Choice of noodle?, choice of condiment? You act like a regular WOKer confident with your choices, and you end up getting a middle and large size container, full of spicy dark noodles/rice which you anyway take home.

Carter Road has always been my favorite. That regular group of friends sitting by the Rizvi lane gives us serious squad goals. Those On The Rock Couples conquer some great distances across contours to find the perfect blind spot and here I can’t decide which Shawarma is better – Carter’s express’ or Carter’s blue’?

I won’t say anything about Chapel Road or Bazaar road, because I am not writing an essay on Goa.

Well, Bandra is beautiful. If one had the time to adore the beauty of Bandra, instead of thinking about which flat costs how many crores and which people live there – air hostess, real estate tycoons or that guy who is always spotted outside the Irish house.

By the way, Delight Restaurant home delivery karta hai kya?

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