Forced Celibacy In Bandra - Quarantined AF

Forced Celibacy In Bandra - Quarantined AF

Sigh! not much ACTION! in Bandra these days! This dry spell has extended way too long. Now, we feel the real weight of the situation. I mean, the free spirit of Bandra is tarnished! Really! This Coronavirus Quarantine is NOT going down well any more. Besides all the conspiracy theories that have been going around, about ‘The Demogorgon’, Coronavirus haunting the world. I reckon, now it is mother nature’s turn, to seek revenge against humanity. And, here we are, trying to save the planet AFTER we have ruined it to the point that there is no going back. Often we forget that mankind occupies a very, very small place on earth. If ever, something has to happen to this planet, we, the human race is going down first!

It may or may not be The End of the F***ing World, BUT, it most certainly is an absolute murder of the human sexual practices, for some at least. And, The Demogorgon has completely put a sock on random hookups, one night stands and polyamory in general. Singles aren’t getting laid much lately.

Demogorgon: “A week, two weeks, no Blud! Lockdown for two months fam! Chew on that now, bruv!”

NO Bonobo either! Which, in all honesty, is the coolest nightspot in Bandra. Mostly no entry and no “limited or selective” crowd agenda, everyone’s welcome. That rooftop, tropical semblance is a real refresher. Its got the vibes, and, the entire expat squad of Mumbai, on most days of the week! One could call it the hippest joint of Bandra, for it, is, forever buzzing! So whenever one is feeling low, Bonobo is an obvious choice. It is almost like Meet Up, a service that connects people with similar interests online and hosts in-person parties for them. Here, everyone knows everyone. So, you get to hear some impeccable artists whilst you interact with interesting people, from all around the world. And you know, you get lucky sometimes, a casual hook up and sometimes a serious relationship, you never know what happens! But then again, that’s on hold for a while. At this point, NO ONE wants any sort of physical contact with any ‘foreign body’, like literally!! Even Swiggy has started a no contact delivery, amazing, isn’t it!

Tinder, on the other hand, is bringing the world closer. Quarantine dating crises, lifesaver pack. Tinder has got it all figured out, and it is quite a virtual dating genius. They now have a Passport feature.

Tinder: “Swipe left or right, worldwide service, men and women be comin' in like a meteor shower!! Now find ‘Quarantine buddies’, from all around the world”.

Now that is clever. Why care about meeting in-person, when you can have a date, on Facetime. Yes, that is a thing these days, besides all the other video chat services, which are booming at a lightning-fast speed. People are legitimately going on dates on Facetime, that’s what the future looks like guys. Better start dressing up and looking sharp, innit, you’re not so lonely after all. Desperate times call for desperate measures ay!

Tinder: “no fucks are given, Demogorgon!” Demogorgon: (polishes his fingernails) “Same!!”

Social distancing has been pretty terrible for those who live alone, our friends stay 5 mins away but we don’t know who all they are meeting, or if they have been going on adventure trips to Versova or even Lokhandwala, in search for alcohol. So instead, we choose to Stay Home and post Insta stories of what we’ve done all day. Having said that, the penny drops much later, well after the beans are spilt. There is a thundering cloud on the horizon, our Insta stories have awaken a random ex, in some wild corner of the world, from our deepest & darkest past. Surprise! deep slumber is over. Long lost lovers coming back to life, sulking or reminiscing. The devil is calling you, incessantly now. It’s either a comfort call and let’s just ignore the fact that maybe, ‘you are a bit passé now doll!’ Or, digging graves from the past and asking for closure. Surely, now is a good time, when we are near our extinction.

Crazy Ex: “I can die in peace now as I have my CLOSURE!!”.

Turns out the isolation deffo, got the best of some! I mean, how much can one hang on Houseparty, which is now hacking into people’s accounts, the bank included. Seriously, I mean how jobless can people be! Some people really, need to get a life!!

Now people would, maybe, appreciate the importance of a partner, lover, or a spouse. Just as we remember God only in our darkest hour, one would agree, The Demogorgon is an eclipse on people’s sex life. Married couples and live-ins are probably having a ball. Actually, that’s not true, there has been an ‘alarming rise in domestic abuse, all around the world’, says The Guardian. I guess the grass isn’t, always green on the other side. Wow, human beings are messed up creatures, aren't they? sometimes we act like worse than animals, false, animals are kinder than humans. But good times for wild animals ay! They be walking 'em city streets, as I mentioned earlier, nature's coming back at us now.

Wild Animals: "no fear, Demogorgon is here! Ay Ay Ay!!"

Also, what’s with ‘I AM LIVING AN EPISODE OF BLACK MIRROR’. Na-uhh! Don’t have a problem with that, it’s just that Black Mirror is set in an alternative present that projects a world which has evolved from its trauma. Technology has now taken over and is manipulating people’s behaviour. We are not quite there yet, headed towards tho, slowly but surely!! It has not affected our sanity to that point, so far so good. However one must think, what would happen next when we come out of this quarantine. Besides girls with mustachios, unibrow and body hair, what else is our revelation gonna be? Passport Tinder all the way!! Online shopping, online food delivery, online Houseparty (hacked, sorry!) and now we gonna have online, LOVE MAKING too.


Image credit – for Demogorgon – Genetic Literacy Project